I’ve been unhappy with my body for several years now, but over the past twelve months my health has gotten out of hand. Weight has been piling on around my middle, so much so that I feel like a beanbag being propped up by two chopsticks. The straw that broke the camel’s back was last month, when I took some nude selfies and I was just so unhappy with what I saw.
Of course fat is a feminist issue, which does make me reluctant to talk about this but here I am. I have never been made to feel overweight by anybody else. When I am harassed on the street the insults are about my face, not my body. I feel overweight because my body does not feel like my own; it feels bloated and out of control. Unnatural. Not a part of me.
I am unfit too. I get out of breath when walking up the stairs, and I’m too embarrassed to do any group fitness because I don’t want others to see how bad I am. I’ve been hiding behind my fibromyalgia too; using the pain as an excuse not to try anything at all. It’s ridiculous when I think about it.
My diet went to hell in a handbasket earlier this year. I didn’t have the time or energy to eat properly, so I relied on fizzy juice and chocolate bars to get through and I’m paying for it now.
Inspiration came when a friend recommended the Re-Shape programme run by my local council. It’s eight weeks of access to their gyms, swimming pools, and fitness classes combined with weekly classes discussing diet. The ladies in my group are all pretty cool, and because many of them also have unusual dietary requirements I don’t feel like the odd-one-out for once. I’m back at the gym for the first time in about four years. Still finding my feet, but having fun. I’ve made a start on a C25K programme too. I had tried that earlier in the year, but running on the ground messed up my joints. Starting again on a treadmill feels so much better. I’m still not feeling brave enough to return to my Krav Maga classes, or to try any new fitness classes, but I have faith that it will come in time.
I have noticed that my jeans are a bit more comfortable this week. It’s the little victories that count. Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll have some more updates for you all. In the meantime, I hope you all feel happy and healthy in your own way!