I reflect on how joyful last year was, and it seems like a lifetime ago.

Beltane marks the start of Summer, and we begin to see the fruits of our endeavors. Ideas born in Winter become plans in Spring, actions in Summer and come to fruition in Autumn. Since falling ill, this pattern has fallen by the wayside in my personal life. I try to pick up where I left off, but things just seem to slip away from me.

On the day of Tuatha de Bridget’s ritual, I was not feeling well at all. My partner encouraged me to join him in Glasgow, rather than stay at home and wallow in self-pity. While out, I was visited by a messenger – every time I closed my eyes, a crow flew at me and scratched at my face with her claws. For some reason, I did not interpret this as a bad sign. Instead, I felt that the crow was pushing me to go to the ritual.

So I left my partner on his quest for work shoes, and took a train to the park to meet up with my spiritual family.

I didn’t want to inflict my misery on them all, but I needed to be there, to be among people who understand a little about how I am right now, and people who share nothing but loving-kindness.

The ritual was written and led by Vicki, and it was her first one. I could empathise with her nerves, but there was no need to be anxious! Vicki’s ritual was beautiful, and included a lot of tree energy. The May Queen and the Green Man were wed, ensuring a plentiful harvest later in the year. (I should add that the May Queen looked stunning)

Part of the ritual involved jumping the broom, which is a call for blessings in our endeavors for the year. I leapt without a set intention, just a wish to move out of this emotional void I have found myself in. In less than 24 hours I was struck by inspiration, an idea for my own small business. A friend of mine who has the same business has given me some advice on starting up and I have a telephone appointment with Business Gateway later in the week.

Hopefully by the Summer Solstice my thoughts will have moved on from this depression.

Voices brought together, creating music for the universe.

(2012) | Acrylics and metallic ink on 46cm x 34cm Strathmore Illustration Board for wet media (has a 3cm border) | Gift for a friend.

Prints, postcards and greeting cards are available from my deviantArt store.

Hi folks,

I’m just testing to see if I can now update my website from my Ubuntu-powered netbook. If so, it means I should be able to write a little more frequently.

I originally wrote this piece in March 2012, as a part of my ongoing recovery from various mental and emotional issues that are destroying me from the inside out. Fear not, for I am being rebuilt, albeit slowly. This is my pupal phase.

I can’t remember exactly when, but a few years ago I decided to use an alternative surname on the internet. With an ever-increasing involvement in social networking, and the fact that I have worked with vulnerable people, I took the decision to stop using my real name online as much as possible. Using an alternative name gave me the freedom to explore my identity while minimising any impact that would have on my career. It felt like a good idea at the time. (My real surname isn’t a secret, but I would still prefer not to link it to my personal work)

It took me time to find a suitable name. I initially wanted something linked with Maned Wolf as I identify with and as one, but I couldn’t find anything that sounded just right. I then asked my animal totem allies for help, which led me to chose Saanen as my new surname because, at the time, I was strongly linked with the totem of Domestic Goat. I had switched from cow’s milk to goat’s milk, and the majority of dairy goats are Saanen goats. So, I became Emma-Jayne Saanen.

Over time, as Emma-Jayne Saanen, I became more confident in my artistic abilities, much happier talking about my mental health issues, more open about my identification as a therianthrope, otherkin and shamanist, and brave enough to meet up with fellow Pagans (and make new friends). Emma-Jayne Saanen flourishes as a vibrant, kind, empathic and creative soul. An imaginative, expressive, free-spirited pathworker, making changes in the world.

But I, as Emma-Jayne [insert real surname], was being neglected and abused. I became the admin donkey, the person who takes all the bullshit, swallows it down and returns it with a twisted smile. Downtrodden, repressed, ugly and needy. I was the victim. Everything bad happened to me. I was the person who was abandoned because people couldn’t handle my history and my mental illness.

This fracture between aspects of my personality has been increasing year on year. In January, Emma-Jayne [insert real surname] cracked entirely. I became too angry and bitter at the way my work place was taking advantage of me that I walked out of my job in January. Emma-Jayne [insert real surname] was nothing but an empty shell, but I still love her.

I am undergoing a time of intense personal healing. I need to find a way to bring [insert real surname] and Saanen together, so that we can be whole again. I need Emma-Jayne [insert real surname] because she is a hard-worker, dedicated and serious. I need Emma-Jayne Saanen because she has vision, empathy and joy. I am at a loss as to how to bring these two parts together, but at least I can see the fragmentation clearly now.

The image of the wounded healer is very much alive and well.

Throughout 2012 I will be following the Perennial Course in Living Druidry, kindly made available for free by The Druid Network. The course follows the rhythm of the moontides. The Flower Shower Moon ran from 21st March to 20th April 2012.

Before the Flower Shower moontide could get into full swing, it had to be preceded by rain showers. It has been lovely though. The rain has been deliciously sweet, and the sunshine has not been too far away. I am still surprised at how long the days are, compared to the days of the Star Frost Moon, and they’ve still some lengthening to do.

The moontide began with the reaching of daffodil shoots reaching up to the sky, they flowered and brought child-like delight to me every time I saw them. In the final week, they have begun to die off which has revealed the cuckoo flowers which have sprung up between them. Cuckoo flowers belong to the Fae, and nurse young orange-tip caterpillars. Speaking of cuckoos, cuckoo spit can now be seen sparkling in the undergrowth.

Green, green everywhere! It’s not just flowers that are making their presence felt, the trees too have just exploded with foliage! It wasn’t so long ago that the trees starkly scraped the sky, and now their leaves kiss it. Summer is well on its way.

Taste and smell are important perceptions in this moontide, which I feel I have neglected. My home energy feels and tastes stale, but I have not had the energy to ‘spring clean’. This has nothing to do with the cycle of the year, and more to do with my own lack of personal health and well-being. The Flower Shower feels like a time for getting things done, which I have been struggling with. I now set myself three tasks to do a day – one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one in the evening – which is helping me act.

The sky has been very active this moontide. We have had all seasons in one day! There has been sunshine and showers, snow and hail, breezes and gales, and all this is painted on the vast canvas above us all. A beautiful, shimmering artwork without a pretentious artist in sight!

Self-freedom is promoted during this moon, but this is weighed up against the risk of escapism. I have a lot of time to myself as a part of my ongoing healing process, and this has given me the freedom to get in touch with who I really am. This has been wonderful, having the opportunity to rediscover my sense of self without having to compromise myself to suit others (something which lead to my illness to begin with). However, I am worried that so much time with myself and my UPG may verge on being unhealthy.

Finally, creativity. During this moontide I had a few people challenge me on my art style because it was similar to someone else’s. Understandably, I was very upset by this because I have been developing my style for years including my four years at the Glasgow School of Art. It hurt, and I was getting so tired of people not seeing me in my work, of always comparing me to someone else, no matter how long I had been creating for. But I turned this negative into a positive, and returned to using one of my favourite mediums – acrylics. I’ve taken my most favourite features from my ‘old’ art – bold lines and texture – and worked them into my ‘new’ art which is more focused on expressing the mood and energy of an animal, and less on realism. And do you know what? I bloody love it.

Note: I apologise for my infrequent posting as of late. My mental and physical health have been at a minimum since January 2012, and I hope things will improve soon.

Note: I apologise for my infrequent posting as of late. My mental and physical health have been at a minimum since January 2012, and I hope things will improve soon.

Early in March 2012, I marked the next stage of my spiritual path with a tattoo. As a solitary practitioner carving her own path, my initiations are directed by the self and the spirits I work with. My first initiation was a trial-by-water during the Summer Solstice 2011, and through that I was granted passage to the next stage in my progress as a pathworker.

Up until December 2011 I knew I was going to have a tattoo of a Maned Wolf, the animal I believe myself to be. I had a design picked out and knew where I wanted it placed on my body. Something changed though. A friend of my cousin had recently had a tattoo of a Roe Deer done, and I fell in love with it.

Deer in general, and Roe Deer in particular, have been pathfinders for me in recent years. They lead the way in ordinary and non-ordinary reality, silently guiding me on my journeys. Deer have always been there, patiently waiting and helping without drawing attention to themselves. As quiet in the otherworlds as they are in the physical world. Now I see them clearly, not just as ghosts or shadows, and I realised it was time for me to show that I recognised them as allies. I see them in the masks of my spirit family, and in the trails through the woods on my hunt for butterflies.

My body is now adorned with a decorative deer skull, a hybrid of Red Deer and Roe Deer.

At this time, I have felt the presence of an Antlered Doe. She symbolises the breakdown of binaries in non-ordinary reality: there is no male and female, predator and prey, good and evil. All and nothing exists in the otherworlds, as ever changing as the weather. Those who recognise this are invited to join her tribe.

My friend, the author of Along the River, pointed me in the direction of The Deer Goddess of Ancient Siberia: A study in the ecology of belief which my friend Wolfy then gifted to me. In parallel another friend, Lesley, made me aware of a British deity, Elen of the Way – an antlered goddess. My UPG has taken me far, but I want to see where it intersects with the beliefs of others.

There has been so much deer energy in my life these past few years, but only now I can access it. I have no idea where Antlered Doe is leading me, but I trust in her just as she has trusted in me.

My tattoo was designed and inked by Kym Munster and the photograph was taken by Allan Borland.

A mother’s love is harsh but fair. Thank you Wolf Mother.

(2012) | Acrylics and metallic ink on 50cm x 38cm Strathmore Illustration Board | Original is for sale in my Etsy store SOLD

Prints, postcards and greeting cards are available from my deviantArt store.

On Saturday, 31st March I had the opportunity to attend my first healing workshop. As  a solitary pathworker this was a wonderful opportunity to learn some techniques in a hands-on way. The workshop was hosted by my spiritual family, Tuatha de Bridget, and was held at In the Moment, Glasgow.

The venue was wonderful; a beautiful, light and airy space perfect for working some magic. Members of Tuatha were joined by members of the Unitarian Church, so there was a delightful mix of the new and familiar.

The event began with a small ‘graduation ceremony’ for the people who had completed Tuatha’s The Way Forward course – 13 lunar months of study and essay writing in order to find out where a person stands in their spirituality. I am very proud to be one of those graduating. It’s been a hell of a year! My certificate is now in a lovely frame.

The first activity was led by Siusaidh, the High Priestess of Tuatha. We were taught the properties (and risks) of essential oils, and how to blend them with base products to create our own lotions and potions. My inner child was delighted at the chance to make a mess! Afterwards we traded our creams with each other so that we all had a nice mix of potions to take home with us. Siusaidh sells her products at Clutha’s Cave.

Jude, a long-time member of Tuatha who runs In the Moment and Mahashakti Yoga, then taught us how to use our newly made lotions for hand and foot massages. I did find this a little awkward as body contact tends to make me anxious, but luckily my partner had a sense of humour and the two of us managed to work on each other’s hands. There was no way I was letting anybody near my feet!

To round up the event Piet, the High Priest of Tuatha, lead a workshop in spiritual healing of the aura. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if I believe in auras but there is no harm in having a go and learning for yourself. I’m not going to go into details because it does not seem appropriate to delve into the details of another’s magical practice. What I can say is that even if auras are not real, there is something to be said for having someone care for you enough to spend time with you, with an open heart.

All in all, it was a wonderful afternoon and something I really needed at this point in my own personal healing.

Throughout 2012 I will be following the Perennial Course in Living Druidry, kindly made available for free by The Druid Network. The course follows the rhythm of the moontides. The Wind Tossed Moon ran from 21st February to 21st March 2012.

I feel a little dishonest in writing about this moon. Although I believe what I will write about this moon, it currently doesn’t fully ring true in my heart. This moontide has been a time of disconnection for me. I see what I should be experiencing, but right now I feel like stagnant water. Nothing is moving or changing for me. I have been taking part in the ‘Take 10’ meditation programme offered by Get Some Headspace to try and uncover what the root cause of this feeling is. So far, all I have uncovered is an underlying depression. A hollow space which reaches into all of my experiences, no matter how joyful and fulfilling they are.

I am not concerned by this though. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I am undergoing some intensive personal healing right now. Discovering this depression is just a part of that process.

Ostara has made her presence known this moontide. The snowdrops and crocuses have given way to bluebells and daffodils. Birdsong is a prominent feature of the audio landscape. The days are noticeably longer – we’ve passed the Equinox and are on our way to the lighter half of the year. Hare is powerful this moontide too. I can’t not associate the Hare with Spring!

Touch is an important part of the Wind Tossed Moon, and I have made an effort to physically reconnect with the world. My partner and I are considering taking part in geocaching. I’ve gone out into my garden to clear up the litter blown in by the last season, and thrown in by my inconsiderate neighbours. It was nice to be out in the garden. I want to try and spend more time working with it, perhaps turning it over to wildflowers.

The Wind Tossed Moon is a time for siblings. We’re asked to think of ways to improve our relationships with our siblings, but I think the relationship I currently have with my sister works well for both of us. Outsiders, and even family members, put pressure on my sister and I to be closer but the truth is that we get on far better when we aren’t in each other’s lives too much. I know I can count on my sister when I need to and I hope she knows that I’d help her in a pinch. We just don’t need to be involved in each other’s day-to-day lives.

Change feels rampant in the environment, but not inside me. I’m not holding back from change due to fear, change just isn’t happening. I am trying not to get too stressed about not being in sync with the year. I’ll catch up when my heart is ready.

Finally, respect is the quality to be nurtured this moontide. I am ashamed to admit this, but in the final days of the Wind Tossed Moon I have treated someone very disrespectfully. I was so blinded by my own perceived offense and subsequent hurt that I lashed out. If only I had stopped to think, stopped to understand where this person was coming from. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have behaved like this. I never seem to learn. Will I ever truly understand respect?

Apologies for sharing this with you all so late into the next moontide. I have not been keeping well as of late, and that is quite an understatement. I’m recovering, albeit slowly.