“You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

People who dislike my blunt manner often patronise me with that line, and I respond with “Why would I wish to waste precious honey on flies?”

My jar of honey, my loving-kindness, my understanding and my patience are valuable commodities. Imagine all of those qualities really were really a jar of honey. The contents of my jar have to go far. I need that honey to:

• face my morning battle with anxiety and fibromyalgia
• sooth my soul enough to leave the house without having a mental shut down
• stop myself from crying in agony every time I need to move
• silence the voices in my head that tell me how worthless I am, every minute of every day

What little honey I have left over from my self care, I would rather share with people who love me and treat me with loving-kindness. I will not be wasting any sweetness on ‘flies’, those people who undermine me, patronise me or treat me unfairly.

I will not be wasting my honey on flies. They can have vinegar, or nothing.

Throughout 2012 I will be following the Perennial Course in Living Druidry, kindly made available for free by The Druid Network. The course follows the rhythm of the moontides. The Star Frost moon ran from 24tn December 2011 to 22nd January 2012.

For me, the Star Frost moon is a time for withdrawing from the world and focusing on personal internal workings.  Following the Sun’s lead, as his light begins to reach into the darkness I too began to reach into my personal darkness and seek out my ‘shadow’ self. This self is made up of the parts of me I do not like, and try to pretend don’t exist. But they are there, and they are a part of what makes me me. This moon has been a time for seeing these parts of myself and recognising them as valuable parts of who I am.

I have spent time seeking out these aspects, and recognising them as friends. Rage, jealousy, laziness. As I am sure you will appreciate, I am not comfortable with going into details. Once I had built of a recognisable identity for my ‘shadow’ self, I created a sigil to represent her. This sigil is now a focus for self-reflection and a symbol I can direct Metta to, to show how much I love even the horrible parts of who I am. It isn’t easy. I am repulsed by some aspects of myself.

There is no one more deserving of your love than yourself, even the parts you are ashamed of or disgusted by.

The Star Frost moon falls during the time Perchta and her tribe reward the good and punish the lazy and wicked. It has been an anxious time for me, as I am only too aware of the consequences of failing to meet the Bright One’s standards. I had my second audience with her, and learned a valuable lesson in sustaining my soul with more than hollow, trivial victories. It is an experience I am not ready to share publicly, though I may consider writing it as a less-personal myth.

As a totemist, I am keen to find an animal master to symbolise each moon. The Domestic Cat rules the Star Frost moon. We had welcomed a new addition to our family this moontide. We’ve named her Lucy Fur, and I am sure pictures of her will appear in this blog soon. The Sun may be returning, but Winter will still be here for at least another month. It is a time to settle down, and engage in gentle self-care, something Domestic Cat excels at.

So ends my first moontide of the course. I look forward to seeing what the next tide brings.

I’ve had several shitty days due to a fibro flare up, so I thought I’d talk about my experience of the condition.

Vision I

Tenger gave me a vision. My antlers formed branches, and the leaves unfurled and stretched out to Him. They were brimming with life.

(2011) | Fineliners, metallic inks, watercolours and coloured pencils on 210mm x 297 mm Strathmore Illustration Board | Artist’s private collection

Snoop: Animal Portrait Commission

Animal Portrait Commission

(2011) | Fineliners, metallic inks, watercolours and coloured pencils on 210mm x 297 mm Strathmore Illustration Board | Private commission.

I am available for similar commissions.

Thank you Reindeer

This is my third Winter working with the totem of Reindeer. In that time, I had wanted to find pieces of their antlers to work with and I knew I would come across them when Reindeer knew it was the correct time.

Two weekends ago I had the opportunity to explore the European market that comes to Glasgow every Winter. I met a woman selling goods on behalf of a group of Finnish reindeer herders. Amongst her stall was a basket full of cast-off antlers! I spent some time looking through the antlers and eventually found two that wanted to come home and dance with me.

Eponalia

On Sunday I met up with the rest of Tuatha de Bridget for an early celebration of the Winter Solstice, but things were a little different this year. Sunday was the 18th of December, the goddess Epona’s day. In acknowledgement, Eponalia was combined with the celebration. Amongst many known (and many more unknown) things, Epona is a goddess of Horses. We called Horse energy to watch over the four quarters and during the ritual we called forth more Horse energy with drums, bells and stomping. I did not feel fully able to cut loose, but I was able to pick up a flighty, wary presence around me, and Horse spirits ran wild around our circle before charging through the woods.

I haven’t worked with Horse before, beyond the occasional brushes with Clydesdales. It is not that I don’t like Horses, but I do feel intimidated by their size and presence.

More information on Epona: http://epona.net/

More information on the Brythonic tradition: http://www.dunbrython.org/

And a beautiful song for Epona. performed by Potia who led the ceremony: https://sites.google.com/site/potiaka/just-voice/epona.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1

Winter Solstice

This Solstice has been a time of internal conflict for me, between ‘good’ things and ‘bad’ things.

Since Dougal vanished in July I have been beating myself up considerably, and due to random happenstance we shall be welcoming a new kitten into our home tomorrow. The distress this situation is causing me is not for discussion in public space, but it is driving me cycles of hope and despair right now, cycles I will run through for many months yet.

I am also feeling anxious regarding my upcoming meeting with Frau Perchta. She set me a challenge last year, but I believe I have failed it.

Of course, the Winter Solstice is not only about the dark aspects of life. The flickering light will begin to burn ever brighter from today and that will nurture my hopes for the future. I received wonderful feedback from the examiner of my final assignment in my latest Open University course. Somehow this will push me on to my dream of working in the Arctic.

I lit a candle this evening to welcome the return of the Sun, to thank Epona and Horse and to honour the return of Perchta and her Perchten.

Bright Solstice blessings to you all.

A God of Snow

As a goose I flew above the frozen Night Road River. It was night, a full moon, and the stars sang out.

The clouds came, gently, no malice, and at their centre walked a Musk Ox Man. Chanting in a way I couldn’t comprehend. When his hooves touched the clouds, sparking dust, the first frozen droplets, fell to Earth and formed snowflakes.

This was a God of Snow, I know it.

I first wrote this back in May 2011, but it the time didn’t feel right to post it back then. 

The Moon and Her Children

In the time before forms became physical and static, Hare lived in the sky with her mother, the Moon. She watched the happenings of the spirits who lived below, and she felt a pang in her heart. Hare was lonely, and while her mother’s love was powerful, she needed something more to make her feel whole. Sensing her daughter’s restlessness, Moon offered to take Hare to Earth so that she could experience life. But Moon warned her daughter:

“Hare, time on Earth is short and fleeting. Hardship goes hand in hand with joy. Everything has a price you must be willing to pay.”

Hare took little heed as she raced to the Earth she had longed to be with.

On the first day, the Moon was waxing above the Earth. Filled with the joy of new life, Hare danced as she learned the contours of her body. She sang with the fresh winds. She tasted life as she nibbled the new shoots reaching from the soil. But Moon warned her daughter:

“Hare, time on Earth is short and fleeting. Hardship goes hand in hand with joy. Everything has a price you must be willing to pay.”

On the second day, the Moon was full above the Earth. Knowing the world around her, Hare felt a contentment she had not felt before. She witnessed the threads of the web of life, and saw her place within it. She met a partner, and together they had a family. But Moon warned her daughter:

“Hare, time on Earth is short and fleeting. Hardship goes hand in hand with joy. Everything has a price you must be willing to pay.”

On the third day, the Moon was waning above the Earth. The dances of the first day were beyond Hare’s physical reach, and her children bore children, who bore children. Hunger that could not be satisfied and thirst that could not be quenched ravaged Hare’s body. Unknown to her, Wolf was watching. Wolf took Hare, and rattled Hare’s body until it was her body no longer.

Shedding tears, Hare stood by her mother’s side in the night sky, not fully understanding the sorrow she felt. But Moon had warned her daughter:

“Hare, time on Earth is short and fleeting. Hardship goes hand in hand with joy. Everything has a price you must be willing to pay.”

This time, Hare understood her mother’s words of caution. She held her close, and said:

“Mother, time on Earth is short and fleeting. Without hardship one cannot know joy. I paid the price, willingly, and was rewarded with a full life.”

Hare asked the Moon if she may return to Earth again some day, and the Moon smiled at her daughter.

Prints of “The Moon and Her Children” are available from DeviantArt. 

In which I focus on my first public skindance with Kulta.

Photo of Kulta, Summer 2010

Bright Samhain blessings to those of you who are / have been celebrating. (And Beltane blessings to my friends in the southern hemisphere)

On Sunday 30st October, Kulta and I did our first public skindance together as a part of Tuatha de Bridget’s Samhain ritual. I honestly never thought I would be in a position where a) I would be confident enough to skindance, b) have someone to dance with and c) have somewhere outside of my home to dance.

It is frustrating for Kulta that his physical self is trapped indoors most of the time. Thankfully he is more comfortable in leaving his skin for a time to go out and explore on his own, but it is not the same as having flesh and bone. While I do have a garden, it is not private and I live in a ‘rough’ area so I wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself for fear of repercussions. People do seem to freak out at the sight of an animal pelt, but will quite happily eat meat and wear leather.

Thankfully, the people of Tuatha de Bridget welcome Kulta so at least four times a year (on the cross-quarter festivals) we can go out into the woods together, both present.

However, Kulta is a person in his own right and he made a request to have a more active role in Tuatha’s Samhain ritual, riding my body as he welcomed the Cailleach back after her summer slumber. Public shapeshifting and skindancing is a big ask, but a role was found for Kulta – he was to guard the Cailleach’s Hammer and then the Cailleach as she regained her power.

We spent many weeks working together on shielding and grounding, and working out a physical / visible que to indicate when I needed to step forward. As a general rule I tend not to shield as I prefer to be as receptive as possible to any potential totems or spirits, but I felt that while Kulta and I were one, we should temporarily prevent others from joining us.

We arrived at the site an hour ahead of everyone else. There was practical tasks to be done, such as checking for potential trip hazards and checking my visibility while wearing Kulta. Then came the spiritual tasks such as fortifying out shield, and inviting my deities and spiritual allies to watch over us as we worked, Once we were satisfied, we spent time exploring the woodlands while everyone else arrived. Being a Wolf in the woods was a wonderful experience – I was surrounded by people, yet invisible to all but one inquisitive child. To see the world as Wolf does was an honour.

The ritual itself was powerful. Having so many people gathered (human and non-human) at this time of year fills the air with electricity. As we guarded the Cailleach’s Hammer, the shapeshift began, from my fingers and toes the warmth spread upwards, down my spine to animate my tail and upwards where I could hear, taste and smell the beautiful woodlands we were in. Kulta and I were one, and we were Wolf.

As the Cailleach stirred from her slumber, the fur on my neck bristled. The Veiled One walked amongst us, and as she spoke I felt Winter’s touch cool the earth between my paws. I cast my gaze upon the celebrants, and they too knew that Winter was but a heartbeat away.

At her full strength, the Cailleach released Kulta from his role as protector, and we began the process of returning to our separate forms. I was expecting this to be a challenge due to the high emotion both of us felt, but we parted easily. Kulta left his hide to run free, while I grounded myself and returned my thanks to those who kept an eye on us as we worked.

How ‘convincing’ was the shapeshift for the participants? I don’t know, but I hope Kulta and I managed to return the wolves to Scotland, if only for a little while.

The Fox Elder Wand

Since Dougal’s disappearance, I had been in a spiritual funk. My bad mood was further compounded by an accident at my Krav Maga class where I broke my collar bone. But fear not, for I have been working on some bits and pieces to keep me ticking over.

• My Open University Studies

I have just handed in my final assignment for U116: Environment – Journeys through a changing world. It was a fascinating course which combined the hard sciences of Biology and chemistry with the soft science of social studies. It doesn’t matter if climate change is real if you can’t convince the lay public that it is real. It’s also important that as a Neo-Pagan I understand physical reality. All of the magic healing and white light in the world won’t help unless you reinforce it with action.

I’m on a break from the OU until January 2012. when I hope to start DD101: Introducing the social sciences. My ultimate goal is to earn my BA/BSc(hons): Environmental Studies.

• My Pagan Studies

I have been working on three courses over the past few months, though they have all had to wait until my OU module was completed. My main focus has been my studies with The Tribe of the Modern Mystic, where I completed my Introduction to Shamanism course and I am working on Ritual and Ceremony. The courses are taught by S. Kelley Harrell, a well-respected shaman, and it has been an honour to study with her. I have also been working with Tuatha de Bridget, following their course The Way Forward. It has been an excellent introduction to Neo-Paganism while giving students the chance to figure out where they stand. It has the added bonus of being able to meet with my Pagan peers in real life.

• My Personal Shamanic Practice

White-tailed deer antler carving

The above photograph is of a carved piece of antler featuring two of the animals I most strongly identify as – the Maned Wolf and the Domestic Goat. It was gifted to me by my friend Khamaseen. She not only gifted this piece to me, but also introduced me to The Psychopomp of the Road. I use this piece of antler to ground and settle me. Khamaseen does take commissions for similar carvings, starting from $20. She can be contacted at sica.resetyu(at)gmail(dot)com.

I have been working on my first wand, the Fox Elder. He begun life as an antique fox tail that had been in my home for years with no real purpose. When out working, I found a lovely cutting of elder and decided then that I should make a wand. The Fox and Elder were really happy with each other. The wand has been further decorated with the feather of a corvid (most likely a Rook) and the feather of a Barn Owl.

I am a big fan of pop culture mythology. I appreciate that some Neo-Pagans want to look to the past for inspiration, but I am a creature of the here and now. I am working on creating a cosmology based on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and I am developing my own divination system by collecting cards from BEAR Yo Yos.

So that will hopefully give you an idea of what I have been up to. I have been neglecting this blog, but I hope to rectify that!